Olympic Sports Based on How Well I’d Do

Jeri Stein

Courage, sportsmanship, resilience and athleticism: the qualities it takes to be an Olympic athlete, and even more so, an Olympic CHAMPION.

I have ALL of those traits tenfold but sadly have decided to take the route as an artist in my life. Regardless, here are the Olympic sports ranked based on how well I would do in each if my parents had locked in and made me a 5-year-old sports prodigy.

5. Coming in at number five is track and field. I am genetically shorter than most, so when it comes to the Swedish runners, I stand no chance against their genetically perfectly long legs and pure blondeness. I also am just not very quick. It didn't take the Jews 400 years to escape Egypt for no reason. We simply aren’t very quick people. But hey, there's no shame in taking the scenic route in life. Smell the daisies once in a while you quick tall Swedes.

4. For number four, I am going to go with swimming. I am not the best at swimming, but if the doggy paddle and flailing your body so you don't drown is allowed in the freestyle event I think I have a good chance here. I also believe my lungs are better suited for swimming, and I could handle all the water I would inevitably swallow because fun fact–I can drink a water bottle in one second. If you don't believe me, find me in person and hand me a water bottle,I will do it.

3. For the bronze and insecurity that comes with third place, I am going to put diving. I don't have a fear of heights, which I think is useful because I wouldn’t get nervous. I can also do a pretty good cannonball (the foundation of every good diving skill), so I think I could easily win bronze.

2. For silver, I am going to go with gymnastics. I have spent a good amount of my childhood tumbling and cartwheeling and doing all of those good things, so I think I could win Team USA a silver in floorwork if given the chance. The only reason I don't think I could win gold is that I cannot backflip. But once those “How to Backflip in 5 Minutes” TikToks pay off, trust I'm winning gold.

1. For the gold and the glory, the Olympic sport I would be best at is javelin throwing. In my life, I throw many things, so I believe that javelin throwing falls into my everyday life skills. I also have great eye-hand coordination, which would come in handy when throwing a big stick off my shoulders. I was once described as having the hands of a surgeon and the steadiness of a dove on a dewy Sunday morning.

Tune in to the 2028 LA Olympics because you can bet your lucky penny, I will be in every event bringing our great nation home the gold.