Tips for Those Awkward Family Conversations

Jeri Stein

“Do you remember that?” A quote we hear all too much during the holidays. No “Aunt Ruth,” I don't remember the time when I was three and got handed a ball or went to your baby shower–I barely had a neck let alone self-awareness. Though we wish to explain to the Aunt Ruths of the world that no, we don't remember that time because we were one and couldn't even speak or care enough about your baby shower to remember it. We usually settle with a nod and uncomfortable smile. But a lot of times we don't know how to respond to the constant “Do you remember”s from family members so here are five tips for surviving the holidays with family members you have no words for but for some reason have so many for you.

TIP 1: Mouth your words, and make it seem like you're responding but they just cannot hear what you are saying. You see, the ultimate goal with this tip is for them to eventually believe they have a horrible hearing problem and leave for the hospital, leaving you without having to actually talk to them. A tip to make the performance believable is to pretend you’re really engaged when they are speaking, nod your head and make eye contact. Then, when it's your turn to respond just lip sync something that leaves them wondering when did they go deaf?

TIP 2: Leave in the middle of their sentence. This tip is simple; if you don’t wanna hear it, you don't gotta! Just walk away in the middle of their sentence. They will be too engrossed in their train of thought to react to your absence. By the time they finish their sentence, you’ll be long gone.

TIP 3: Foaming at the mouth–nobody wants to be in a conversation with somebody they think has rabies. You can achieve the foaming effect in many ways. My personal favorite is the little soda candy. You just pop a bunch in your mouth and go crazy. You can also use chewed up Alka-seltzers to get the same effect without the fun flavors.

TIP 4: Tell them that their breath smells bad, making them feel insecure. If they believe that their breath smells bad, they aren't going to want to talk. While some may say this tip is mean, I say do what you need to protect your peace.

TIP 5: Spin kick. It's effective but has consequences. If all else fails, you may need to resort to physical violence and a spin kick isn't a bad way to go about it. There isn't necessarily a best time to pull out a spin kick, you just need to feel out the vibe. Though spin kicking a 60-year-old woman isn't always the best look so you have been warned.