Class of '23 Never to Graduate Due to Curse

Felix Brem

If you’ve been paying attention recently, you may have noticed subtle changes taking place at OCSA as the lines between reality and fantasy begin to blur. Strange weather that cycles from blistering hot to hailing, lights flickering in suspiciously squeaky-clean hallways, substitute teachers whose vacant eyes reflect prophecies of the future. It happens at the end of every year--a sort of magical hum as the deities in the bones of OCSA’s foundations slowly awaken, anticipating the end of their hibernation.

This year, however, something is different. The annual blood oath ritual has not been performed since donors and parents posed ‘moral concerns,’ and our grip on reality slackens as the ancient deities hunger for chaos. Administrators recently attempted to conduct negotiations, but failed to placate them, instead spurring the creation of a new, vicious curse that will haunt the school and its inhabitants for eternity. An unfortunate consequence of this is an immediate and permanent time loop forever preventing students from graduating. Cosmically thrilling stuff, but a nightmare for student morale. Unfortunately, this means no three-hour-long graduation ceremony, no bragging about Ivy League acceptances, and no knowledge that you will be crushed under the weight of student debt for the rest of your life. Senior year ruined.

In response, a group of students organized to protest the grave mishandling of ancient oaths. Abigail Ignatious (IA ‘∞), president of the League of Blood Oath Protocol (LBOP) claimed to have contacted admin to discuss blood oath ritual certification, but received no answer. “It’s absurd how CPR and food safety certifications are required, but not blood oath certification…especially at an institution where rituals are so crucial,” she commented. “The risks are just too high when you don’t know exactly how to appease ancient powers.” However, Ignatious’s safety concerns may just be a front in her grab for power, according to recent rumors of a student coup. We’ll report on that as it develops.

Meanwhile, many other students choose to see the glass half full; several STEM-inclined students view the endless time loop as an opportunity for scientific discovery. NASA is reportedly in conversation with administrators about opening a new branch dedicated to the study of abnormal time, relying on OCSA as its primary case study. Who knows--we could be the first witnesses to time travel!

Optimistic senior Wilson Bradbury Brambleforde (VA ‘∞) shared another insightful way to mentally reframe the drastic change in schedule: “Just think of all of the art that our anguish will inspire. Movie deals, murals, Broadway…I guess they were right when they said that getting stuck in a time loop is the quickest path to fame!”

As an optimist myself, I have to add to this list of upsides. There are endless issues of Evolution to come--hand-illustrated horoscopes and origami tutorials for the rest of your life! While news could get stale in a time loop, here at Evolution, we’re so dedicated to publishing breaking news that we’ll even make it up if we have to. Don’t think 9 years of intrepid truth-telling and creative lying will be thwarted by something as silly as a tear in the space time-continuum. Now, good luck, and see you for the next thirty-something years, where I will continue to embellish the truth for your entertainment until the sun explodes and swallows us all.