Exorcising Elvis

Sophia Kang

When Elvis died on the porcelain throne, his soul danced away from his body and housed itself in the curtains of Graceland. But, on August 17, 1991, the original Vegas muse emerged from the dusty drapes of the mansion and deposited itself in the body of a pale, shriveled (I imagine) baby. That baby was Austin Robert Butler. 

Growing up, Butler and Elvis’ ghost never had any personal encounters. In fact, Butler didn’t even know about his companion at all. Until the day he got the call. The call to end all calls and my will to live. The Elvis call. (The following events are entirely made up, and none are factual). “We want you to be Elvis! You are the perfect man for the job!” a man’s voice rang through the other line. As soon as these words were spoken, the King of Rock and Roll’s spirit burst from the shadows. He had met—nay, he was the King. 

Although I am very happy for Priscilla Presley’s reincarnated knock-off, I will be the first to propose that Austin Butler consider receiving an exorcism for the possession he has grown so fond of. Recently, I saw an interview with him at the “Dune 2” premiere red carpet. Some of the cast were asked the simple question, “What was your favorite childhood movie?” Timid little Timmy Chalamet answered in a brief but perfectly respectable sentence, “Toy Story.” Butler, on the other hand, squinted his eyes deviously, looked at the man, leaned into the microphone and said, “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly,” which sounded more like “Thuh good, thuh bed end thuh uglay.” “Dune 2” has provided Austin Butler with yet another platform to terrorize me with. Mindlessly, I scroll on TikTok with the intent of seeing a comedic video or two. I’ll happen upon a “Dune 2” press video and be pleasantly surprised by the sight of a smiling cheerful Florence Pugh, Zendaya and Timothee Chalamet. Suddenly, the camera pans and there he is. My worst enemy. He holds up a peace sign and utters those horrible words. “And Austin.” I shudder at that voice. His Elvis voice. 

Since the Elvis movie graced our screens, fans have been coming to Butler’s defense. “That’s just his voice!” “He’s always sounded like that.” And to that I say, “Jailhouse Rock”? No, just jail. You belong in a prison. A simple Google search will tell you that “the King” was born in Anaheim. Residents of Anaheim do not sound like they are constantly on the verge of moaning and coughing simultaneously. Austin Butler himself has said that he has hired a dialect coach to help him lose the “Elvis Voice.” Additionally, any cultured fan of “Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure,” “Zoey 101,” or the “Carrie Diaries” will tell you that he did not sound like that before his two years of prep for the biopic. 

So, Elvis ghost, if you’re listening, I compel you—no, BEG YOU to free the soul of Austin Butler. I don’t think he can open his eyes any bigger than a squint or pose without gyrating and standing on his toes. Please free this man from your rock and roll shackles so that he may speak without mumbling or choking on his own words. 

Sincerely, 

A frequent Anaheim visitor