I Cannot Buy Anything In My Life

Jeri Stein

I have something I like to call pre-buyer's remorse when it comes to just general spending in my life. I have such a fear of spending money that most days I cannot bring myself to do it. With my pre-buyer's remorse, I see the universe in which I buy that object and am utterly horrified. TWENTY DOLLARS FOR A SHIRT? I could buy like four babies with that type of money and I'm going to waste that on a shirt? So I never waste it on the shirt because I cannot waste such valuable money, and whenever I buy an item, the guilt is unimaginable. I mean, with the amount of shame I feel, you would've thought I mowed down a family of six. I get hot flashes and flashbacks to the time before I bought the item when my bank account was a little fuller.

Now, some may be asking me why I am this way, and I must thank my father. He taught me from a very young age that money is no object and should not be spent—now his words have become mine. I am now too outraged at the fact that I have to pay NINETY cents for a cup of ranch. I mean, are you kidding me? It's pizza, and you're charging me NINETY cents. I already bought your overpriced bougie 15-dollar slice, and now you're charging me for the sauce. I think I'm just more appalled at how petty the ninety cents seem. I mean, is the ninety cents ranch cup really the dividing line between bankruptcy? No. No, I didn't think so. So STOP CHARGING ME NINETY CENTS FOR RANCH. But I don't mean to overreact here. On the other side of my argument is the fact that it is only ninety cents and what's it to me, but it's just the principle of the matter. I'm already buying the pizza and the garlic knots and the medium Dr. Pepper, can’t you just throw a dog a bone and throw in the ranch for free?

The economy is a sham and consumerism will be the death of me. REFUSE TO CONSUME DON'T BUY ANYTHING DON'T TRUST ANYONE THE GOVERNMENT IS AGAINST US IT WANTS US TO BUY BUY BUY BUT DON'T LISTEN YOU DON'T NEED IT. Or maybe you do. I mean I don't know you.