Secret Santa Vs. White Elephant

Annika Petras

Division has come to define modern American society. And, unsurprisingly, it has begun to extend beyond politics to even the simplest of holiday traditions. Secret Santa: a friendly tradition in which you pull names out of hats and try to find a gift for someone you may not even actually like — under a $20 budget, naturally. White Elephant: a more sneaky rendition, in which each person picks a gift, and the following person has the opportunity to either choose a new gift or steal another person’s gift — each gift can be stolen up to twice. Also known as Yankee Swap, a white elephant has the potential to cause serious damage to your friend group. 

But with the growing separation between both camps, the questions arise: Which is truly superior? Who can maintain a stronghold over Christmas consumerism? Who will reign supreme this holiday season? There’s only one way to find out: put the two in the ring. 

We all know Santa. From “The Santa Clause” to “The Grinch” to a short cameo in the film “Elf,” he’s made a significant impact on our popular culture. Indeed, one cannot forget Santa’s historically extensive magical powers. Between his extremely speedy sleigh and his brave army of elves, it is unsurprising that he has defeated many of his opponents in the aforementioned feature films. But the force we are dealing with here is much more sinister — this Santa is secret. We all saw what Harry Potter got up to when given access to his signature invisibility cloak: he stole a secret book from the restricted section of the Hogwarts library. This suggests that our beloved Kris Kringle could get up to some mischief when given the ability to sleuth around unnoticed. 

But the opposing force is mysterious and unfamiliar, with an ability to fly under the radar. We are not truly aware of the powers it holds. On average, African bush elephants weigh 13,000 pounds and can grow up to19 feet tall. Though it has not been fully confirmed, Santa is believed to stand a meager 5 foot 7 inches and weigh only 260 pounds. Our elephant could easily crush Santa in one fell swoop. In Southeast Asian religions, the white elephant (which is not a distinct species, but rather a result of albinism) symbolized kingship, and competition over these prized creatures leading entire societies to the brink of war with each other. We’re dealing with a royal elephant here: one with the resources, riches, status, and ability to pose a great challenge to Father Christmas. 

So, who will win this tense battle? In this reporter’s opinion, the answer is clear. The only thing that reigns supreme is the spirit of the holidays.